This Ain’t Charmed XXX

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SkipI am, well was, a huge fan of the TV show, Charmed

Three hot witch sisters fighting for the good of all mankind, who wouldn’t love it? So naturally, I was excited to see the XXX version.  Since it’s Halloween month, I wanted to get up reviews of some titles that would fit the season. I’m a sex movie geek. And when it comes to these parodies, unless you’re really poking fun at the show/movie, you should have a good idea of what it’s about. Unfortunately, this one missed the mark completely and was a huge disappointment.

Cast selection issue

As soon as I saw the cover, I thought, what’s with the goth chicks? The hot thing about the Halliwell sisters was that they weren’t all out gothic witches. They were your hot girl next store that had a secret. So why they’re all gothed up here? I have to give them credit though, Chayse Evans cast as Phoebe was a good call, she resembled her a lot.

It wasn’t just their appearance that bothered me though, the characters through the movie, were not true to the show. For one, Prue was the oldest sister, the confident one in charge. While she worried about danger ahead and was the mother-hen of the Piper and Phoebe, she wasn’t anxious and whiney as portrayed by Sadie West. Angel Valentine portrayed Piper as the strong one, sacrificing herself for the good of the sisters. Piper was never really confident and adventurous until after Prue died and she was the oldest sister in charge. So two of the three main characters didn’t feel true to the show, making it difficult for me to lose myself in it.

The sex scenes weren’t that good either

Out of 5 sex scenes, 1 felt genuine. The 2nd sex scene with the character Darryl and his wife was the hottest for me. Tyler Knight and Marie Luv had real chemistry, that’s the stuff that gets me all worked up watching a porn. Marie even added some dirty talk to the mix which enhanced their chemistry making the scene even hotter for me. Tyler Knight resembled the actor that played Darryl quite a lot too.

I really wanted to like the 4th sex scene

In the beginning, Sadie West nailed Prue’s intense desire and longing her for her old, lost love Andy. I could feel that core desire within, like she couldn’t get enough of him. She had this once chance with him and she was going to get as much as she could. Sadie even added some dirty talking during it; unfortunately she became too enthusiastic. The smallest touch set her off and theatrically where does one go, how does the actress escalate her supposed pleasure, if the smallest touch sounds explosively orgasmic? So they lost me on this scene. It could have been really hot, but too enthusiastic sounds fake and that kills a scene.

Threesome Hotness?

This scene made no sense to me for a couple of reasons. First, Piper offers herself up to Belthazor and his Demon Girl for a sexual sacrifice. That wouldn’t happen, Piper was a whimp, Prue would have done that. But that’s minor, compared to the confusion I felt when Piper was totally getting off on the threesome. She’s offering herself up for sacrifice, something that she was not thrilled about. This was not a positive thing. From what I could see, they didn’t put a magic spell on her to enjoy it, yet she did. It just didn’t make sense to me. Plus the women were not really into each other, no chemistry there. It didn’t even look as though they knew how to be involved in a threesome. Each woman did a lot of watching, making the scene average and that’s being kind.

What about Piper and Leo?

THE couple on the Charmed show was Piper and Leo. The story of their romance was huge, it was a major story arc through all 8 seasons of the show. Any fan of the show would want to see a hot sex scene with the two of them. In fact, I expected it. It never happened. In fact, while the character, Leo, was always longing for Piper, he had sex with another character, Kyra…boggled my mind and was the biggest disappointment.

Annoying bit

What was up with Angel Valentine’s Lee Press On Nails? Not only did they look horrible and trashy, the actual character of Piper would never have such cheesy looking nails.

Cool bit

The special effects were fun. The characters could Orb and it looked very similar to the show, which tickled me quite a bit.

Did I expect too much?

With the many parodies I’ve seen and previewed from Hustler, it’s clear that many of them have a goal of at least trying to resemble the show. The only thing that really resembled the show here was the special effects. It seems like the good parodies/xxx versions of these shows are a way to see these characters that you grew up or came to love in a fun, naughty way. The bar has been set high by other writers and directors, so when something misses the mark like this movie did with average to poor sex scenes, writing that is totally out of character and cast appearance that looks nothing like the tv show they’re parodying, I can’t ignore it, especially when it was a show that I enjoyed so much.

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Ann Andriani
My name is Ann Andriani. Since 1999, I've helped millions of folks sort through their questions and curiosities about all things sex. There are tons of adult products out there and my goal is to help you find the gems and skip the losers.

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