Criteria
As you peruse my rendezvous, you’ll see that I tend to concentrate on all kinds of movies, toys for women and men, books and miscellaneous sexy stuff that’s supposed to improve your sex life. You’ll also notice that I do not simply state whether a product is good or bad. My feeling is, “Who am I to say what’s good or bad for you?” I share my personal opinion, but I leave the final decision up to you.
I can only inform you of what I experienced, and what it was about a product that gave me that experience. I discuss the positive and negative qualities in every item that passes through my home, my hands, my legs and my dvd player, because it is my goal to give you as many details as possible, so that you can make an educated decision on the next naughty item you spend your hard earned dollars on.
Criteria for Adult Movie Reviews
Chemistry
Over the years, this has become, hands down, my most important factor in reviewing an adult movie. Sure, I have a bunch of different criteria listed below to give you an idea of all the smaller details I’m paying attention to while watching, but nothing spoils the hotness and purpose of watching an adult movie if there’s no “real looking” or :real feeling” chemistry among the actors. Nothing turns me off more than an actor/actress that looks like she’s just getting through the scene. I’m also not a fan of actors/actresses that overdo it either. All that fake moaning, groaning and yelling can be annoying. I want to see people enjoying themselves…or people that at least look and feel like they are because that’s when I enjoy myself.
Storyline
If there’s supposed to be a storyline, was it a good one that ran all the way through the movie or did I get bored and feel the need to fast forward through all the non-sex scenes? If there wasn’t a storyline, did the movie at least run smoothly and was it enjoyable to watch as a whole?
Acting Ability
I realize that we’re talking about adult movies, so I don’t expect as much talent as I would from a mainstream Oscar nominated movie, but I do expect them to have a decent amount of talent outside of their sex scenes. So basically, were the actors/actresses believable and enjoyable in their role?
Appealing
Was the movie eye-appealing for me to look at all the way through? I’m talking about sets, costumes, lighting, etc. Adult movies are way for us to escape into a fantasy world of sex, so it should hot, sexy, appeasing to look at. The look should fit what the movie is supposed to be, continuity is important here.
Attractive
Beauty comes in all forms. My taste has evolved tremendously over the years, so I’m not as picky with looking for certain kinds of ladies, body types, etc. In fact, if you actually read through all the movie reviews, you’ll see my evolution. Fact is, I’ve seen a lot of porn in 10 plus years of reviewing and I’m always on the lookout for something different too. As far the men, I like them to be attractive, well groomed and not hairy beasts. An example of men that don’t turn me on is Ron Jeremy…too heavy, too hairy. I also prefer they not be creepy guys, unless that’s the character they’re playing.
Did a majority of the sex scenes get me hot?
I’m looking to see if more scenes made me wet than made me want to hit the fast forward button. I realize that not every scene in every adult movie can be the sexiest I’ve ever seen but as long as I’m getting wetter than I am fast forwarding according to the price tag, it’s good.
Was there a filth factor to it?
Was there any filthy talk in the sex scenes? If there is, that will kick it’s ratings up a notch, because sometimes that one scene or moment alone will make the whole movie worth it. I’ve learned over the years to appreciate late 70’s, early 80’s porn because there’s a filth factor to it that gets me hot.
Am I tainted by watching movies with stars I love?
You’ll notice, in some of my earlier reviews, I mention that I absolutely love the starring actress. It’s not that way too much any more as I’ve been exposing myself to different studios, genres, etc.What I try to focus on is if a studio is touting a certain star’s appearance in a movie, how much is the star in it? Are her/his scenes really worth getting if you’re a hardcore fan?
Instructional/Educational titles
I do fancy these because sexiness can be a very personal thing. However, if it’s an instructional/educational movie, I have something solid to review…did it deliver what it promised? Did I get any new techniques or information from this movie that will or has improved my sex life? If the movie is explicit was it at least exciting or did it look ridiculously stupid? And, if the movie was soft core and non-explicit was it boring or did it keep my attention?
Criteria for Sex Toy Reviews
Criteria for Vibrators and Dildos
- Power Generally, I like a lot of power from a vibrator to get off. My favorite vibe is the electrically powered, Hitachi Magic Wand. I’ve had it for 10 plus years and use it often. However, I’m also looking for range of power. I understand that some ladies are power queens and others, are more sensitive and are looking for something that’s not going to buzz their bits off. So while I enjoy high settings, I’m also looking for low and some happy middle point too, if the vibe is supposed to offer that.
- Noise Was the vibrator incredibly loud for the situation I was using it in? Normally I’m not bothered by the sound of a vibrator, but I draw the line if it sounds like I’m using a power tool. I realize that many women can only use vibes that are quiet or that can be easily muffled by other sounds in the room…water running, music playing. And of course, what is the company touting? If they’re saying it’s a silent vibrator and it’s not, I’m going to call them on it.
- Ease of use With all the new technology, vibrators are getting more features, programs, modes and more buttons. So was it easy to learn to use, was I constantly fumbling with the controls while trying to get off? Are the controls intuitive? Did it take a year and a day and all sorts of tools to put the batteries in? Also, if it’s battery operated are the batteries easy to obtain or is it going to be a journey every time my power runs out? Although I live in a city area, I am also thinking about those people that live away from the city where malls and a variety of specialty shops are difficult to get to. So basically, can I easily obtain the batteries in a pharmacy or supermarket? Also, if it’s rechargeable, how long does a charge last? Can it be easily overcharged? If I don’t charge it for a while am I screwed and now it’s broken? These things have happened and reviews have been updated accordingly.
- Appearance It seems that more and more women are looking for something discreet in appearance so if that’s what the company’s trying to sell it as, is it really discreet looking. I’m also a fan of pretty vibrators, meaning that is it attractive to look at. When I take it out of the package does it look luxurious especially if there’s a hefty price tag on it. Does it look finished, polished, like a completed thought.
- Material Since I first started reviewing 10 years ago, sex toys are being made with better, safer materials. Toys with jelly rubber, rubber aren’t the easiest to keep clean and disinfected because they’re porous materials. No matter how much you scrub and spray you’ll never get that clean and there is a life span on it. After a while it will start to stink and/or deteriorate and you’ll have to throw it away. However, toys made of silicone, glass and metal are non-porous so you can clean them easily with soap and water. These materials should help a toy last longer and not deteriorate or stink over time. So does the price tag work for what it’s made of and the time period it can last for?
- Would I want to use it again? This is important. I’ve had toys that I’ve enjoyed using for the review period and then never picked up to use again. I’ve also used toys for the review period that made it into the regular rotation. So how in love with this toy am I?
Couples’ Toys (Games, Cock Rings with Vibes, etc.)
- Enjoyed by all? Did Hubby and I and any other playmates enjoy our experience with it? Would we want to play with it again? Did we enjoy it equally or did I find it to be great and he didn’t enjoy it at all?
- Ease of use Did we have trouble understanding the directions, putting it together? Did we fumble with any controls or anything during sex? Was it touted as a group sex toy but didn’t really work for that?
Men’s Toys
Since I’m not a man, and I can’t actually try the toys myself so Hubby is the one who gives them a test drive for you. He judges the toys on his overall experience with them: ease of use, did it feel like what the box promised? Did it break or wear down easily? If so, is it really expensive to replace? We do realize that some adult toys are not meant to last forever and some do show wear and tear more easily than others, but did he get enough of uses out of it for what you would pay for it?
I don’t review toys for a living, I have a full time job as well, so if I have time, I try to look at men’s toys from a woman’s point of view. I’ll look for what a specific toy can do for a woman, like: Does it make an activity easier for her to do? (Example, senso lips makes hand job a piece of cake.) Is it exciting to watch him use it? Is it too mechanical looking to be either pleasing to look at or or too difficult to throw into the mix?
Books, Erotica
I try to mostly focus instructional books, ones that are supposed to improve your sex life because what’s considered hot from erotica is subjective. I have included some erotica titles, things that really got me hot, but for the most part, I love to learn new things and techniques and I want to help others find great sources for new techniques. So I try to focus on those kinds of books. I look to see if a title delivered what it promised. Did it or can it improve my sex life in some way, either by technique, more confidence, increased sex, etc? Did it solve my problem or ease my situation?
Sexy Stuff
These are things that aren’t really a toy, movie or book but is somehow sexy, can improve your sex life, is somehow related to sex or sex toys, a fun, sexy activity to do, a game, etc. With these items I focus on the overall experience with the item, would I use it again, did it live up to the hype?
Review period
I’ve decided to make some changes in how I review battery/power operated toys and products. Instead of using them a few times in close succession, I’m going to use them for a couple to a few months, favoring that toy in particular to see how it holds up over time and many uses. I realize that, especially with expensive toys, it could be the only one in your arsenal and you’ll use it solely and a lot. That’s where the true test comes in for your purposes.
Well, there you have it…that’s what I look for when reviewing adult movies, sex toys, erotic books and sexy stuff. I hope my reviews help you to better select a product. If you find you are in agreement with what I look for, check back often, because we update regularly.
Enjoy!
Ann Andriani